Trains. Two tracks, northbound, southbound. Twilight bleeding into the horizon. Incredible noise, screeching, squelching, all-encompassing sound. Side-by-side. I’m standing in the middle as they fly by on each side of me; burr whizz, whizz burr, creaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak. I can’t reach my ears to dampen the sound, can’t see the end (or is it the beginning?) of either. It won’t end.
The description can go either way, what I’m setting out to talk about I’m not quite sure yet… art and commerce, vacation and weight loss, right and wrong, up and down. I’m just not sure.
I guess perhaps since it’s the biggest thing on my mind I’ll start here: in twenty minutes I’ll be on vacation. Just what the hell is a vacation? A week away from work? A full week spent with my “family” having fun, getting annoyed, being stressed and spending too much money? A week of anxiety of what I’ll return to on my desk two weeks 10 days from now? It’s a question I intend to answer and I’ll let you know what I came up with. As some of you might know our plans changed dramatically. I’ll spare most of the details, since I can’t guarantee that some eyes won’t see this, but I can still say I’m effing pissed about it (for those same eyes, you know who you are). As I said in the past some of my new drive and purpose in getting my, ahem, life together was to get on the zipline in Tennessee, to ride a roller coaster at DollyWorld without fear of seat buckles not reaching around me and being able to take a hike in the Smoky Mountains without losing my breath in 30 seconds. And of course all those other things I wanted to keep at bay, like diabetes, heart attacks and general mortality and quality of life things; being able to get into a swim suit in better shape is just plain better for EVERYONE near me as well. So that all fell by the wayside, but some creative measures have ensured the “replacement” vacation will be just, well maybe even better, than what was on tap. We’ll be spending 5 days on Put-in-Bay island in what looks like amazing weather and we’re saving a lot of money to boot, so it appears to be a win-win-winner-chick-dinner scenario. So there is still plenty to look forward to and away from and reconciling some the pain I have for the way things have gone down recently will be part of the agenda.
Since we’re on topic an update. I’m 3 pounds from having dropped 50 since Feburary 8th. Averages swelled a bit, but there was a definite depression I went through when the Tennessee trip fell apart and I’ll blame it on that. So, as of today it’s been exactly 4 months since starting on this journey and the numbers break down like this: 11-3/4 pounds a month, nearly 3 pounds a week. I was in a size 58 suit jacket two years ago, I was able to get into a size 50 last night, although with a tape measure my chest measures a 48. I was sporting size 44 pants, and even had a few pairs that were 46’s that were obviously more comfortable. Today I can easily get into a 40 and have my eye on a 38. I’m noticing and feeling tone in my arms – even throughout my high school football days I have never truly had developed biceps and forearms and I do today. My legs, while always strong, are defined and just powerhouses… I’m very proud of my legs. I have a log way to go on the jolly old middle section and that’s fine – gives me something to do from now on. And while I feel great and am a generally smaller person, I’m still a big dude with a lot of work ahead of me… and that kinda troubles me. I’ve gone through a lot and worked pretty hard and I still look like some fat ass to regular onlookers. It’s not that I want everyone to applaud me or anything it’s just strange to think about that I still look no different to people who don’t know more or see past the physical. The biggest question I have is what happens when this vacation is over and we’re back to real life? I can already tell I’m getting burned out and I’m definitely not going to work as hard toward a goal like I did to get on the zipline (err parasailing maybe?!) so I need to find a new goal and a new routine and maybe even thi vacation will help me away from this burned out feeling I have – isn’t that what a vacation is supposed to be anyway (or so Roget’s tells me).
On this vacation, since I was going to be in the Smoky Mountains for a whole week and with only four days of activities, I was looking forward to looking over the trees and valleys and doing some reading and writing. Yes, dear readers, I was going to get back into my habit, my passion, my form. I need to get back there – I have so much to say! Since we’ll be on an island for a far less time I might not be able to do that but I still like to carry the thought and I’d like to build a goal for that as well. And with that being said I’m sure many of you have heard about kickstarter and programs like that. Well, there is one for authors. In short I post my novel, or rather some sample pages, the synopsis and all that jazz and if 1,000 people pledge to buy said novel they will publish it for me. Sounds like a good deal and one of those that might be too good to be true, but it’s something I think I need right now. Considering I have 2 self-published books “in the wild”, one more on my Skydrive, and another 200-odd pages in, it would be the kick I need to go where? Again, that is the question… this was a passion I had because I had things to say and no one to really say them too. So I built worlds and characters and worked out emotions and desires and things of that nature… and then it crossed over. It turned into something that actually was fun; it was something I looked forward to doing on weekends and evenings and still those worlds and characters followed me and we all did things together. And the prospect that these words could lead to a better real world life and who doesn’t that appeal to? So yes, I would like to see my “art” become income and yes, I would like to make my “art” become my job, because I still think it would be fun and I still have plenty to say and do and still some feelings to reconcile.
And with that I’ve run out of time. Vacation starts now and I’m off to find a good definition…